I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
