Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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