...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
