she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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