dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
my liver is dry heaving
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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