please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My ass is underappreciated
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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