who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just pee around me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
