I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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