god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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