she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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