He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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