this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
even my farts smell like vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize