this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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