Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
