Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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