Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
