why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize