At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
