Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
