Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize