need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
