Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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