I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
