some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
