we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
