ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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