he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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