Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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