He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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