peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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