living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
