I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
