Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
