I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
