I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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