Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize