your parents love me but you hate me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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