I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
