I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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