i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
