The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I looked at my own cervix.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So much rum. So many feels.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
