omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
