The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Randomize
