I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
