He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
this just has baby written all over it
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
