i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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