I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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