Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
