I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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