I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
