Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
