im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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