pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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