The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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