Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
