census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
