Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
