Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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